NotReally Aspirin
by Suchan and Twelve
Summary: Hermione gives Ron some aspirin for a headache, but Ron finds something has gone terribly wrong with the painkiller when he wakes up the next morning... Ch 3 UP, finito!
1. The Aspirin

**))Not-Really Aspirin((**

I got the idea for this nearly falling off my bed trying to think of a new fic idea late at night because my current one sucked major ass. So. Hope you like it.

**_PLEASE: tell me what I did well, what I didn't do well, things that could be changed. I'm NOTHING without constructive criticism._**__

Thanks a whole bunch!

Luvvies and muffins—Suchan

(( " :P " indicates a new scene. I'm using this cause I'm still pissed at ff for banishing the all powerful asterisks. GR. ))

:P ß like this.

The Gyffindor commmon room was nearly silent, except for the scratching of a quill and the rustling of some parchment. Ron Weasley scratched his head and sat back in his chair.

"I really don't get this Divination crap," he muttered. "How's your homework coming, Harry?"

Harry looked up from the other side of the table and scowled at him. "Not very good."

"Oh."

After a few more minutes, Ron stood up and mumbled, "Bugger this. Bloody headaches, I can't concentrate."

Hermione threw a bottle of aspirin at him without looking up from her book. "Take two with water. It should go away instantly."

"Thanks." Ron rushed off to the bathroom to get some water.

:P

Something didn't feel right. The headache was gone… but something was wrong. Ron couldn't really place it, but something just. Was. Not. Right.

:P

Ron yawned and closed his book. "Well, I've had enough. I'm going to bed."

With their boatloads of homework to do before next week, Haryr and Hermione merely waved at him and mumbled "Good Night"s. Ron shrugged and headed up the spiral stairs to the dormitory.

He changed into his too-small PJs and pulled the curtains closed around his bed. He was asleep within seconds.

:P

BZEEP! BZEEP! BZEEP!

"Harry, will you PLEASE get that damned alarm fixed?!" Ron mumbled sleepily, stretching and pulling himself into a sitting position.

He stopped.

Oh God.

Something didn't feel right.

Something was terribly, horrifyingly WRONG.

His chest…

He looked down. And screamed.

:P

"Ron!" Harry fell off his mattress as he heard Ron's screaming shattering his hazy dream world. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing, Harry, go back to sleep!" Ron clutched the blanket higher around his torso. "I just had a bad dream. Spiders and …ughh." He shivered, and poked his head out through the hangings. He gave Harry a smile.

Harry smiled back at him from his awkward positioning on the floor. He looked as if he had tried to accomplish an extremely pretzelly yoga position and broken a hip or leg or two in the process.

Ron quirked an eyebrow. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Ron, I just fell off the bed when you screamed. You scared me, you know."

"Sorry." He yawned. "Listen, Harry, I'm just going to catch a few more winks, you can go ahead, go down to breakfast."

"Alright." Harry got dressed and left the dorms, and, upon hearing the door open and shut four times, Ron decided it was alright to come out. He had assumed everyone else left as well.

Seamus was staring at him, openmouthed, in the process of pulling on his socks. Ron's eyes went wide. "Oh, _fuck_."

:P

AHAHAHAA!! Just to keep you in suspense! I love cliffhangers, don't you? HAHAHA! I bet you can't WAIT to see what kind of trouble Ron's got into!

I know I can't! I haven't written it yet. Reviews greatly appreciated, thanks!


	2. An Embarrassing Predicament

))Not-Really Aspirin((

Part II: An Embarrassing Predicament.

Thankies to Kaydon and EternalShadow for reviewing!!! Hm, only three more…and I'll have FIVE! WHOOHOOO!!!

Silver: o.o;

Some notes: ' ' and _italics_ are thoughts. Double quote marks are dialogue.

:P

Seamus was apparently quite shocked. "Wow, Ron!" he exclaimed, starting to laugh. "Those are

some mighty fine bulges ya got there!" [Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!]

:P

Ron plunked down grumpily into the seat beside Harry at the Gryffindor table. "Feeling okay, Ro—" He fainted.

Ron shook his head at the unconscious Potter and turned to the bushy-haired witch. "Hermione, do you EVER check labels of stuff?"

Hermione bit her lip. "What, the aspirin I gave you?" She had an odd expression on her face, like she was trying not to laugh. "But it said maximum strength ASPIRIN. I double checked before I got it at the apothecary! The witch working there told me it was the best they had, that the headache would go away instantly!"

This did nothing to improve his mood. "Well, it did, but it did something else, too," he shot back hotly.

Hermione slumped in her chair. "You should go see Madame Pomfrey."

Ron snorted. "Well, me, I'm never taking any of your suggestions again." He busied himself with the toast as Harry blinked, trying to remember where he was... "So maybe I won't." He looked up from the butter and shook the knife at her. "I wouldn't have minded if you had changed my hair colour or something, but I really don't appreciate having breasts when I shouldn't."

:P

There was a great uproar of laughter from the Slytherins clumped in the hallway. Draco Malfoy caught up with them and stopped dead in front of Ron. His eyes gleamed maliciously.

"So what I've been hearing is true." He started to snicker. "Are they real, Weasley?"

Ron smirked back with a face just as evil. "Yeah. Wanna see 'em?"

"I'd rather not," Malfoy drawled, a disgusted look encroaching upon his pointed face. "I don't think you'd want to mess up your perfect arrangement of Kleenex? Always shunted away from the spotlight, being with Potty here, looking for some attention of your own?"

"No. And I haven't stuffed my shirt, Malfoy…shit, I'm late." He pushed past the blonde and hurried to his next lesson.

:P

He probably should have gone to Madam Pomfrey, but, still being quite angry at Hermione, decided against it.

_Not that Madam Pomfrey's an awful healer or anything, she's not, but with Hermione's advice, I'd probably end up with _all_ female parts!_

:P

Harry turned around. He had been talking to Ron as they walked out of Potions class, and now he was gone. Backtracking was in order.

The Boy who Lived found his best friend standing two feet from the dungeon door, looking pale, frightened and disgusted at the same time. "What's the matter, Ron?"

Ron turned slowly to him and stared with wide eyes. "Malfoy just told me that I turn him on."

Harry laughed. "Whoo…lucky you, then!"

"No, not lucky me! Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, I am."

"Not you're not!"

"Duckies!"

"…what?"

"Idono. I just had this weird urge to say 'duckies'. That's all." Harry scratched his head.

"You need help, my friend."

:P

What do you think? I had this all mapped out, and then… poof I just went on a rampage and paid absolutely no attention to my notebook. Blegh. Sometimes I make myself wonder…

Okay, then. X; Eh. Reviews are nice, my birfday's in five months, early birfday presents are niiiice…hint hint o

**_CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS NICE, TOO!!!_**

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	3. A Step Backwards

))Not Really Aspirin((

Part III: A Step Backwards

&&&

Thankies to Kaydon, Eternalshadow, InkWick, Carrie Weasley and Lanette for reviewing! (group huggle)

…god. I'm starting to hate this story for how bad of headaches I'm getting trying to work on it. (beats FF net with a lead sock) FIX YOUR QUICK EDIT GOD DAMN YOU!!!!

FFN: x.x; (dies)

Suchan: DID YOU HEAR ME?! (beats FFN some more)

Yusuke: …you okay, boss?

Suchan: :(&),, (rabid)…does it **look** like I'm okay?!

Yusuke: OO; Ehehe…no. (edges away) I'm gonna go get you some nyquil or something…

Suchan: …I'll be alright. n-n (Guess what, now the up arrow looking thingie isn't wroking, EITHER! when you hit shift6,...damn ffn staff, bastards, I'll get you for this...)

&&&

Ron walked briskly up to Hermione after being laughed out of another class. "Hermione, where's that bottle?"

The witch pulled a bottle out of her pocket and handed it out to Ron. As he reached for it, she snatched it away again. "WAIT!" She ripped off the aspirin label. And gasped.

"Magical…breast enhancements? What the HELL?!" Ron groaned and she flipped the bottle over to examine the instructions. " 'Take one with water and wait….blah blah blah… do not take more than one as it may result with abnormal breast growth…" Ron was glaring at her. "I'm SORRY, Ron, I didn't know!"

Ron walked away.

:P

Madam Pomfrey gave Ron an odd look as he walked into the Infirmary. She began to chuckle. "I thought they were all joking…."

Ron frowned as Madam Pomfrey began to giggle like a little girl. "If you wouldn't mind just fixing me up, that'd be nice."

"Sorry, sorry, dear. (snicker) Just give me a (giggle) minute.."

:P

Within five minutes, Ron's chest was back to normal. He felt like he could breathe again! "Thanks, Madam Pomfrey!"

"Only doing my job, Mr. Weasley." But she smiled at him as he walked out the door.

:P

"Ron! RON!" Hermione latched onto his shoulder as she ran up to him. "How did it go?"

"Well, you don't see any bulges, do you?"

She hugged him. "That's great!"

Ron couldn't respond: he was turning blue.

:P

Harry held the door open for Ron as they went into Potions. "Ladies first," he said, bowing.

"Too true," Ron replied, punching Harry on the shoulder before pushing Harry into the dungeon ahead of him.

"Duckies!"

"Harry…are you okay?"

"I…don't know."

:P

Ron caught a glance from Malfoy, who was sitting across the room from him. He was staring at Ron with a scrutinizing look, or more importantly, at his chest. His eyes locked with Ron's, and Malfoy quirked an eyebrow, as if to say, _Where'd they go?_

And Ron responded with a look that said, _They're gone, shut up before I walk across this dungeon and pulverize the crap out of you._

Malfoy looked suddenly very interested in his rutabaga roots.

:P

"Duckies!"

Snape looked up from his desk. "WHAT did you say, Potter?"

"I…don't know, sir."

"Well, don't say it again!"

"Duckies! I mean, yes sir."

Snape threw a cauldron at Harry's head. It connected with a clong! "Idiots, I'm surrounded."

"Hey look, duckies!" Harry shouted deliriously from his situation on the floor, pointing to various spots around the room.

Hermione busied herself with her cauldron and tried to look like she didn't know Harry.

Ron snickered.

Malfoy just looked dreamily at Ron and let his potion over cook.

:P

Finito.

:P

Sooo… what'd you think? I thought it was kinda bland, I shoulda left it at the first chapter. Anyways… review if ya please!


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